


Mean Boys

by shrift



Series: Stargate Atlantis Fanworks [6]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Established Relationship, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-21
Updated: 2006-06-21
Packaged: 2017-10-02 02:23:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrift/pseuds/shrift
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Rodney doesn't get any blue Jell-O, and thus the entire universe is conspiring against him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mean Boys

**Author's Note:**

> Beta thanks to Nestra. For torch.

"They didn't try to kill us," Rodney said. It happened so rarely that he considered it quite the event.

Sheppard glanced at him. "Well, there's still time. We're not through the gate yet."

"Why didn't they try to kill us?" Rodney asked, because really, it happened so rarely for a _reason_.

"I'll kill you if you say that again," Ronon offered, his gun slung over his shoulder.

Rodney grimaced. "I'd say 'eat me' only one day I suspect you actually _might_."

"I'll do what I have to to survive," Ronon said. His face was deadpan, but his eyes were squinty; Rodney concluded that Ronon probably was joking, but made a mental note never to be left alone with the man in the event of starvation. Immurement was one of Rodney's least favorite imagined ways to be killed horribly.

Rodney stopped in front of the DHD and dialed Atlantis. "At least let me die of natural causes first."

"Sure," Ronon said.

"Just get us home, McKay," Sheppard said. He was watching the trail leading back to the village. Rodney suspected he wasn't the only one wondering why the villagers just let them go after Sheppard flirted with their daughters, Rodney mocked their technology, and Ronon defiled a sacred artifact by using it to sharpen one of his many knives. Teyla hadn't done anything except intervene on their behalf, smiling a serene smile that Rodney had long assumed meant she was imagining herself beating them with sticks.

Point of fact, she was still smiling like that. Rodney had made sure to walk behind her to make himself a less tempting target.

"And... there," Rodney said as the wormhole activated. "Shall we? I wonder what's for dinner --"

And then Rodney remembered seeing Ronon turn and the sky through the leaves and Teyla's urgent voice and then nothing. Nothing.

* * *

Rodney woke up. He opened his eyes. It was dark. His tac vest was bunching.

Sheppard said, "Hey."

And Rodney said, "Nrrgh."

After which, presumably, he lost consciousness from the incredibly intense yet very manly pain.

* * *

Rodney woke up a second time. Still dark. His head was... throbbing. Well, not exactly throbbing: more like it hurthurthurt _a lot_, and at some point, someone would have to roll him on his side so he could vomit. Ow. Ow. Ow.

"Ow," Rodney said. Tac vest? Still bunching.

"Hey," Sheppard said.

Rodney gingerly touched his forehead. It was sticky. Joy, blood. "You said that last time."

"Huh. You remember that?" Sheppard's voice was coming from somewhere above.

"I'll hazard a few guesses," Rodney said, folding his hands over his queasy stomach. "They did try to kill us, and now we're in some sort of prison awaiting a form of excruciatingly painful capital punishment."

"Well, they did try to kill you. And me. And Ronon. And probably Teyla because she was standing next to him," Sheppard said. "But on the bright side, they didn't succeed."

Rodney snorted and immediately regretted it. "Ow. My head begs to differ."

"How are you feeling?" Teyla asked. Her voice came from somewhere to Rodney's left.

"Like someone tried to kill me," Rodney said. His eyes finally began to acclimate to the darkness, and he realized that he was looking up Sheppard's nose. "Why is my head on your lap?"

Sheppard glanced down, but it was still too dark to make out much of his expression. Rodney's extrapolation: annoyance. "Because the villagers didn't give us any complimentary throw pillows, McKay."

"Right," Rodney said, his extrapolation thusly confirmed. "Thank you?"

"You're welcome," Sheppard sighed. He shifted slightly, and it made Rodney's brain wobble inside his skull. Rodney elected not to mention it.

Ronon's voice finally rumbled out of a far corner. "We need to get out of here."

"We had radio contact with Atlantis when they attacked," Sheppard said. "Weir'll send a team after us."

Ronon's voice was sullen. "So we wait?"

"Waiting. I like waiting," Rodney volunteered. "In fact, not moving at all... it has a certain appeal."

And then Sheppard and Ronon argued the merits of waiting versus making a jailbreak, with Teyla the voice of reason, so Rodney stopped listening, la la la. He wondered if the floor was supposed to be spinning. Oh, concussion, his old friend. Really, there was no telling how many scientific advances had been lost or set back years due to the numerous blows to the head he'd sustained during the time he'd spent in the Pegasus galaxy.

Sheppard's voice rose, and he moved sharply. Rodney moaned and flopped onto his side, clutching at Sheppard's thigh and desperately hoping for stability. "Why are you all so mean to me lately?" he demanded, and then said, "I miss my cat."

And then there was nothing.

* * *

Rodney woke up a third time to find himself in the infirmary. The smell tipped him off before he even opened his eyes. When he did, he discovered that Carson was leaning over him with an evil bright light in his hand, muttering something under his breath about sheep and grade three. Rodney really didn't want to know.

"Good morning, Rodney," Carson said. "Do you know who the President is?"

Rodney squinted at him miserably. "Shouldn't you be asking me about the Prime Minister? Also, do I look like I was on Earth to vote in the last federal election?"

Carson smiled at him indulgently, and Rodney thought about strangling him with his stethoscope. Too much effort. Perhaps tomorrow. "He'll be fine, Colonel."

Sheppard loomed over Rodney's bed and began poking him in the side. "I am not mean, McKay."

"Did we get rescued?" Rodney asked.

"Oh, that," Sheppard said. He stopped poking Rodney and scratched his head. "Actually they weren't trying to kill us."

Rodney pointed at his head injury. "Come again?"

"Well..." Sheppard shrugged and sat next to Rodney on his hospital bed. There really wasn't room, and it made the sheets pinch, but Rodney didn't have the energy to shove him off.

"What? What?"

"The Wraith attacked us at the gate. The villagers helped us fight them off, and then hid us in a root cellar until the coast was clear," Sheppard said.

Rodney gaped at him. "And you were planning on telling me this when?"

Sheppard looked affronted. "I did tell you. Seven times!"

"You most certainly did not," Rodney said.

"Well, you were kinda out of it," Sheppard said. He leaned down and smiled, and then poked Rodney in the side again. "And I am _not_ mean."

"Poking is mean!" Rodney said.

Sheppard kept smiling, the bastard. "You don't have pigtails for me to pull."

"My head hurts," Rodney whined. "What else am I forgetting?"

"You dancing naked under the moonlight?" Sheppard said.

"Did not," Rodney said, and closed his eyes. He was tired. He turned on the bed, Sheppard's weight on the sheets constricting his movement. Rodney wiggled, and then Sheppard's thigh was under his head again.

"Worth a try," Sheppard said above him, and then Rodney fell asleep.

* * *

When Rodney woke up the fourth time, Sheppard was snoring in his ear.

Rodney said, "Hey."

And Sheppard said, "Nrrgh."

Rodney poked him with his elbow, and Sheppard snuffled. "Get your own hospital bed!"

"No," Sheppard said.

Rodney tugged at the sheets, and said, "Fine. Fine! Be that way."

Sheppard's breath was warm against the back of Rodney's neck. "You know I won't let Ronon eat you, right?"

Appeased and sleepy, Rodney said, "Just don't drool on my pillow, John Boy."

"I will smother you with your damn pillow if you call me that again," Sheppard said.

"Deal," Rodney said, and fell asleep.


End file.
